Hope Dream Desire

Sundays should be a day of rest, a day to prepare for the week ahead. If you’re anything like me, Sundays are always a challenge. I tend to get very anxious about the week ahead or life in general. Mainly its due to not being occupied with my 9-5, I’m normally lying around, being idle, constantly checking social media, or just in my head letting thoughts do whatever, the good stuff, ya know? Being on my own since these past few years has brought on ALOT of life. I graduated with my Bachelors in 2017 and even then as soon as I turned my tassel I felt life begin to shift into adulthood, with no hesitation. I had a plan on how life should go once I graduated, I thought I was being realistic and that me and God were on the same page *inserts Charlie Murphy laughing meme*. To be fair I could have prepared more on my own, but can one really prepare for adulthood? I thought I truly had a good balance on things, not that my parents set me up for failure, or that I was completely blind-sided by what post grad life had to offer, but sis could’ve used a subscription to “Adulting 101: Things you should not do during a post grad Crisis”.

Today is a typical Sunday, quiet time, workout (literally 10 minutes of some BS core work and a slight 20 minute brisk walk around my apartment complex) and grocery shopping. I’m on my 10th attempt at meal prepping, and its…well…..going. I don’t know if you can relate but, when it comes to meal prepping I am met with one of two things: spending too much money on food out of fear of being hungry (I’m a fake plant based eater, some days I enjoy cauliflower and tofu, other days I’m pigging out on junk food and chicken wings), OR I get too lazy and burnt out from running errands all day that I have no energy to cook. I honestly can’t help it, my background is survival mode when it comes to cooking. In my mind, as long as I eat three meals a day, maybe a snack or two in-between, no biggie. However, I’m learning that eating is a means of survival but it can also be fun, therapeutic, even luxury if you want. Either way I’m learning a lot about myself with this last little bit of isolation, hopefully, that Earth is going through.

I normally visit my parents once a week, its a good balance for me since moving out. We talk everyday just about and with C*r*na still having her ass a grand time we still limit seeing each other but so often. Also, I love my parents dearly, I just need a break at times. I can’t help but reflect on the fact that although it was solely my decision to move out, and it feels necessary at times (this should have been one of the first lessons in that Adulting 101 lecture I needed) It still feels as if though I rushed to be an adult, now look at me, STRESSED. I’m not really stuck, nothing is truly wrong, but I will say ain’t nothing like home and I mean HOME, family, togetherness, genuine love though my family is not perfect we are truly a family. On Sundays I think about how between me and my family, It can get lonely (yes this is where I get into my anxious feels but just flow with me I promise we thug it out, eventually) because its truly just me. Now I have friends and family that I can talk to and hang out with, but physically it’s just me on this lease, and that gets me anxious, from my almost 30 something perspective with no offspring, or romantic partner it’s the realization that I’m alone, but not lonely if that adds up at all.

From that thought to another I drive myself into a deep conversation which then drives me to occupy my mind and time to not have to deal with the obvious. I say to myself “You’re not really alone, you have people” “Let’s go see __________ “. Now in school it wasn’t as obvious on Sundays how truly alone or lonely I was because I surrounded myself with people, or I always had something to do. With this new chapter I’m stepping to I’ve been forced to sit with me and my feelings, honestly it’s been beautiful to say the least. I have learned so much about myself, so many layers and deep rooted issues have come to surface and truly being able to sit with my feelings and really get to the core, whew. It ain’t been pretty but it has brought a lot of growth, that is sustainable. There is more where this all came from, stay tuned